Holy sh*t, my *rse hurts!

Phew, that was close - I almost typed 'shit' and 'arse'.
Yesterday, I undertook a perilous and adventurous cycle journey that took the Attacker and I over 83.5km around the Kanagawa area, to 10 recycle stores, an awesome ice cream store and eventually back to my humble abode.
I left at about 10:30am and returned at just before 9pm, with a very sore backside.

I felt like a steam locomotive because:

• I was travelling very fast.
• I was using up the fuel I had with me (in my stomach/burner) on my journey.
• Every now and then, I would release a tiny cloud of gas, accompanied by a loud whistle.
  
• I had a tender behind.
  

Here is the map of the first half of my route:The 2nd half:You may notice that there is a gap. This is when I was forced to take the train. I didn't want to, but I left my map in my home (again). I was losing daylight and didn't want to be out on my own again after dark, lost, scared and on a tiny little tricycle with ribbons on the handlebars and a teeny weenie wittle bell going 'ding-a-ling'. So, I took the train (4 stops - 6km).

Amazingly, both halves are almost the same (4,1870 and 4,1670m)! 99.5% similar! That's quite a coincidence, as I only called them 'halves' because there was a split in my journey. They weren't planned to be so similar in distance.

Cue 'The Twilight Zone ' theme music...

My original intention was to cycle up the length of the Tsurumi river, all the way to the source. However, using GoogleEarth, I was unable to find this location. Instead, I decided to again cycle to HardOffs and recycle shops, getting some exercise at the same time and discovering parts of Japan I'd never seen before (admittedly, all these parts lay in close proximity to where I lived).

The Tsurumi River is a nice river. It is of course polluted in many parts (Hey, this is Japan - they're all polluted to some extent.). I've cycled to the mouth. This comes out near Yokohama, in Tsurumi. Here's a pic of the mouth, looking out into Tokyo Bay:By now, it's a big river, churning out 1,250 metres cubed every second.
Here's a photo a few km upstream:This is where I began my cycle down to the mouth of the Tsurumi:

Tsunashima.

This is also where I began my journey upstream, towards the source.
you can see the urbanisation along the river banks. This is, of course, markedly differnt from how it looked in the 19th century:I'd imagine the river was a lot cleaner in those days, with a different ecosystem (today's fish are mainly the big black bass that were introduced from foreign countries and took over the ecosystem, eating everything else - except a few turtles I've seen swimming in the river - most probably trying to get the fudge out of there - or perhaps it's a cruel sport fo the big black bass? - turtle racing. They make the turtels swim endlessly, up and down the river. Whenever a turtle tires, stops, tries to escape or simply ceases to entertain, they pounce. Next time you see a turtel swimming in a Japanese river, take a look either side of him. Is that a dark shadowy shape you can se there, lurking in the depths, waiting for that one mistake from poor Mr.Turtle? Look closely.).

Anyway, my journey had begun.
After following the river about 5km, I came to ShinYokohama and the International Stadium, home of the 2002 Football World Cup Final.
You can see that the river snakes around the stadium. You may also see the vast amount of water, above and to the left of the stadium. This is part of an interesting plan to curb the effects of flooding. The Tsurumi River is prone to flooding, and in an effort to protect the people who live downstream, a large catchment basin was constructed.I didn't realise what this was, when I passed it on my bicycle yesterday. I imagined it was land set aside for later construction. I was wondering what giant structures would soon be built there. Perhaps a car park? Sports complex? Shopping mall?
I am pleasantly rewarded with learning that it is a catchment area for excess floodwater and also acts as a nature area for public education and also common ground for public recreational use. Good stuff. Nice idea. It really is an interesting construction and is enourmous. It can hold 3.9million cubic metres of water.

Here is a 'before and after' representation of what the area would look like with the flood catchment basin in operation.






As you can see, even the stadium seems to be affected. Something else I didn't know, was that the construction of the Internationl Stadium included raising it on stilts, so that even if the basin was full to capacity, the operation of the fascilities and even the roads built into the levees and embankments themselves would not be affected. You could still go and watch your football match or drive through the middle of the lake!
Awesome.

For more info (and another look at some of these pics) go to THIS PAGE.

Anyway, I know all this now, but I had no idea, as I cycled past, yesterday morning.
This is a photo I took from a bridge, not far from the stadium. You can see left bank is lower than the right. The left bank is 3m lower, to catch the floodwater and direct it to the catchment basin.

You can also see that as we go upstream, we leave behind the tributaries and so the river seems to get smaller. However, some rivers start off in moutainous areas and in heavy rains, this can mean a lot of water rushing downstream. Still, this part of the river looks nice and peaceful. For now.
Here's a shot as I cycled past the area of the catchment basin.It's a big area! You can see the stadium, far off in the distance.
Going further up river now and I see someone fishing:Can you see him?

Still further up and I come across lots of allotments. People are growing all sorts of things. Cabbages (oh, don't get me started on the cabbages!), lettuce, onions, carrots, mariuana, leeks, opium, sweet potatoes, etc. I decided to take a rest and try to get a photo of the attacker, the gardens, the river and the Yokohama Line train as it passed by.I waited...and waited. No train. After I packed up and cycled on, a train came past. I think the driver was sneakily waiting round the corner, until he saw me get back on my bicycle. The swine (maybe that would explain the naked pink ass that was pushed up against the driver's window, as the train careened past, horn blazing).

Well, as expected, the river got narrower and narrower. Eventually, I arrived at Nagatsuda HardOff (and I only got lost twice).All I found of any interest was perhaps this Kirin glass:Nice design. Didn't buy it. Got far too many glasses as it is.
A quick search here turned up no bargains, so I got back on my bike (after scaring everyone with my haircut) and moved on. I took the 246 highway and started my journey to Machida. A little further up the road, I decided to try this interesting coffee house:Komeida Coffee. It's part of a chain (of course - sadly). The coffee here isn't bad. Expensive. 470yen for a Vienna Coffee (coffee with thick cream on top):I tried their recommended dessert. I have no idea what it was. There was a cherry on top, so it must be delicious.It was ok, but I'm not sure if including the enticing cherry in the equation was justified.
I sat down, enjoyed my dessert and scared the customers.Something that rather disturbed me (apart from my reflection in the restroom mirror) was the dessert menu:Rhea Cheese cake? Was this literally a cake, containing the large South American flightless bird? I wonder what they did with the feathers?
Or perhaps it was a phonetic spelling, in which case, this cake could contain real ass (rear)? Or, if anything could be worse, it could be a 'rear cheese' cake? I would prefer absolutely no rear cheese in my cake, thank you very much.

If I had to choose one cake, I would definitely go with the 'choco nil crap'. I'm not too fond of chocolate cake, but at least I'll have the piece of mind that there will be no feces in my cake. Something I cannot be confident of, with the 'rear cheese' cake.

I decided chancing the cakes was just too risky, so I went to pay my bill.
Then, after assuring the staff that calling the cops was not necessary and that I was, in fact, trying to put money into the register and not take it out, I was off again.

I next came across Machida Sports off (which is quite an achievement, seeing as this place is enormous). After regaining conciousness, I went in.They had no bargains.
Next, I cycled on up highway 16, past Machida, to Kobuchi and their HardOff.
No bargains but it seems that construction is winding down there. Pretty soon you should see a bright, new, shiny HardOff exterior (ooer!).

Next came back to Machida Treasure Factory. Nothing. Then Machida HardOff. I checked out the junk telescope they had there. 4,000yen. This is identical to the one that is 8,000yen in Kajigaya HardOff. 50mm and 800mm f. Not so bad. Optics seemed ok but a little dirty. Also the rack that extends the eyepiece was damaged, but possibly could be fixed. Still, even 4,000yen isn't such a great deal. The tripod wasn't amazing either but better than some.
Then I cycled off along 16 again, to Higashi Rinkan Station (I got lost a few times in between - I really should have remembered those maps).

On the train for the one and only time, 4 stops to Yamato station.
From here I found my way South and then West around an air base, to Kashiwadai HardOff. Here I found a large cork notice board for 50yen. It'll be perfect on my desk at school.
After discovering the fantastic Uranus Shaver, the last time I was here, I was delighted to discover that yes, there was indeed another product you could buy a man's man: The car shaver!When was the last time you shaved your car? Never? Then, my friend, you need one of these!!! - Unless you drive one of those French or Greek cars, but then who would like one of those?

There was another bargain that was still there:I noticed this before. 500yen for a quality little barbecue set. I have this set (this was the one I almost burned down my apartment complex with - never test 2 different packets of new firelighters at the same time in one barbecue set, on your balcony) and it's pretty good. Small but good cooking and adjustable rack (not simply involving changing to a firmer brassier).
A definite bargain.

As I left Kashiwadai HardOff. I glanced back and I could see Mt.Fuji in the dimming glow of the setting sun:I began the long journey along this road, all the way to Seya HardOff. On the way, I smacked into a truck's side mirror. I forgot I had the big cork notice board sticking out of my backpack. I didn't stop to see if the driver was angry. I whizzed past and through some lights, then hid in a car park as the truck zoomed past. Whoops. I think I should have stopped and checked to see if I had damaged the mirror. I'm pretty sure I did no damage., I don't even think I moved the mirror, just glanced it. The truck was right in the side of the road, so I couldn't pass easily on the inside. I don't know why some vehicles do this. They have the whole lane to occupy. If they stay in the centre, then cyclists can safely pass on the inside, when traffic is stationary. Common courtesy. It cheeses me off when motorists stay tight up to the curb, forcing me to overtake them in the centre of the road. That's usually when the traffic starts up again and I'm struggling to get back on the inside, past the dickhead who is now not allowing me back inside. Still, I was wrong and I should have checked to see if the mirror was ok. I feel bad about about it.

Anyway. I got to Seya Hardoff in good time. No bargains except a Christmas present for Canadian Dave. I did notice something interesting, in the entrance area.
How about this vending machine?
It's not an imaginary machine. It's real.Just in case you were wondering. Also, it clearly states that all drinks are 200cc, but then shows two sizes of cups.

I left Seya HardOff and after about 3km, realised I'd left my small bike bag in the store!
I returned as fast as I could and luckily my bag was still there. Phew!

Not far from Seya, I came across this place:Nice. Although I have no idea what it means. Apparently, this lady is not just a fanny (this word means 'vagina', in the UK), she is a beauty and has brains, too? She lives in Yokohama and has a kids room available for 'rent'? Just call 0453698811 and find out.

So, after at least 15 minutes of leaving messages, I journeyed on, through the dark evening, on to my final HardOff, Tsurugamine HardOff.
This, like Seya, lies on the Sotetsu Sagami line. It's a large HardOff/ OffHouse.
Some things I found here included:

'Relax Punch!'

For a start, 'relax' and 'punch' are not usually words I'd use together (unless I'd be forced to think up a quirky nickname for a date rape cocktail - I would never do this. I mean, I would never give someone a date rape cocktail, let alone think of a quirky name. There are plenty of quirky names as it is. It's not easy to walk up to the barman and ask for a long hard screw against the wall, or if I can have sex on the beach, then act all shy and embarrassed. That just makes it worse. Perhaps then, I should have been more forceful when I said it? - no, I don't think that was the way to go, either. Or perhaps to show that I was referring to the cocktail and not to the 'other' meaning, I could have overstressed the name and followed it with a knowing wink. Uh...no. I won't even begin to tell you what happened to me after I shouted out my order at the annual Moscow neo-nazi convention {How was I supposed to know that "What I really need right now are a couple of nice big black Russians down my throat" could be misconstrued?).

Any way, back to the product. 'Relax Punch!!' is actually a desk top punching ball. Sounds like a rather violent way to express your stress at work, if you ask me.

"Hey, look everyone, I'm really p*ssed off! I just wanna punch things!!! This is how I react to stressful situations! I think tomorrow, I'm gonna bring an uzi to work!"

Clearly, this is intended for those who represent absolutely no physical danger to anyone else. The kind of guy who will get such a kick out of 'just being a guy', in the act of 'actually punching something' (preferably something padded and that is not going to offer any resistance). It may even impress Justine, from accounting. At least then he won't have to resort to giving her a glass of 'relax punch' at this year's office party.

We can see that the punchball is on Mr.Clive Sinclair's desk. Why does he feel the need to lash out?
Perhaps he has an important meeting scheduled for Tuesday morning, to discuss the Johnson accounts, but somehow also promised to do that power lunch with Tim from HR at the Starbucks around the corner (the one with the high chairs that let you look at the office ladies' legs whilst they suck on their creamy lattes). Damn! - "WHACK!!!!" He will then probably apologise to everyone for saying 'damn' and the fact that his new toy just sailed across the office and onto the supervisor's desk, knocking his in-tray to the floor.

I came across something like this in another hardoff once.
It was a full size version. About 2m high. It had a heavy base which kept it on the floor.
I decided to give it a go. The boy in me couldn't resist (so I let him have a go, after he finished - urgh!). However, I didn't realise that the bottom was not actually filled with anything and so was unweighted (makes sense, easier to carry home). I gave it a nice resounding thump and the whole thing careened down the hallway, smashing into a bunch of parked bicycles. I made a hasty exit. That was quite embarrassing.

But hey, 'Relax Punch!!' isn't just for the office. Take it home and use it on the kids!
Yes, you've always wanted to smack those little b*stards around. Those noisy little sh*ts. Their real mother doesn't know what terrors they really are. They're not yours, anyway. Their real fathers didn't want them and you can understand why. What'll really make you relax? Hitting an orange padded ball or the thought that each thump could be into the face of one of those horrible little gremlins that laugh at you as you tuck into your dinner of meat, peas, potatoes and toddler boogers.
Yes, with 'Relax Punch!!', you can hone your skills until the moment is right to strike. When their mother downs that big mug of relax punch you prepared for her, come next Friday evening, right around beddy-byes time. Oh, they're not gonna know what hit them (especially since you're gonna wear that black wrestler's mask with the zips that you got from gimps.com)...

What is this?Personally, I think it's a young lady, resting underneath the shade of a huge arse.
Why someones would want to fashion this, I have no idea. Modern art?

Another thing I have been noticing a lot of are guns.
Lots and lots of guns.Japan is not a country that you would associate with an abundance of guns. They don't have guns. The police sometimes carry long wooden sticks (presumably to beat cats down from the trees?). You don't see them very often with guns. Although now they do sometimes carry guns. Usually you only find out about it when you read of how a policeman shot himself whislt cleaning his gun or whilst checking down the barrel or he shot his fellow officer by mistake. The public don't usually commit gun crime for the simple reason that it is pretty hard to obtain guns here. It is also hard to obtain bullets and they are not cheap.
Usually gangsters rarely resort to gun crime, as it is so high profile and may result in a police crackdown.

Things have been changing, recently.
The other day, a young boy was killed, as he played with his father's gun. Also a few days ago, a school teacher took his shotgun to school (I think it was for clay pigeon shooting) and murdered a few fellow teachers and students and injured many more, before killing himself.
I find it particularly disturbing that these replicas are displayed in so casual a manner. These guns are designed to shoot people. I find them at least as antisocial as the pornographic videos and DVDs that are usually in a seperate section in such places. In these places, if someone ventures there, then everyone knows why (dammit). So, I feel in an attempt to de-glorify guns, that they should be displayed away from the public eye. Little kids are naturally going to think 'wow, cool! I wanna gun!'. We think fun and exciting, not pain, destruction and death.

Okay, two handgun 'replicas' that maybe illustrate my point:This is a gun. no, wait a minute. It's a gun shaped lighter. Ah, then that's ok, isn't it?
Come on, it does look cool, doesn't it? Not only that, it's sensuously portrayed, on a silky bed of bullets.

How about this baby:The Python 357 Magnum gun... ...shaped lighter. While not being strong enough to blow your head off, it is functional enough to light your cigarette (another phallic symbol, besides a smoking gun).
This is the man's gun. After all, if it's good enough for Dirty Harry, then it's good enough for us! No, I'm not talking about the old man who got arrested in the park after offering little children his 'purple popsicle' Another Dirty Harry.

Plastic guns that are clearly plastic or unnatural colours, like blue or orange are one thing, but real life replicas? Starting to get scary.

Okay, enough serious talk.
If you ever venture into a HardOff, you may be taken unawares by the background music they play.
More than a few times, I've been casually browsing through the stuff there when I suddenly hear what I'm sure is "HardOff, f*ck off!", being sung harmoniously on the PA.
It's difficult to know when it will happen, as that particular line seems to be sung at random intervals.
However, after hearing it again at Tsurugamine HardOff, I decided to try and capture it.
I waited...and waited... and got this:

Damn. They did the old switch on me.
I had no time to wait any longer, as I had to make it to the sweet awesome ice cream shop before it closed.


I just made it! I only got lost once, this time. This is the place. Chateraise(?).They have nice ice cream here. Pretty good chou creams, too. Although, I'm wary of the giant inflatabele snowman - I think he's after my bike.

I can just imagine it now. I walk into the shop and buy some ice cream. I then make small talk:

"Thank you. You have a very nice shop."
"Oh, thank you."
"I especially like the big snowman."
"Pardon me?"
"The huge inflatable snowman you have outside. It smiles and bobbles at customers. It's really cute."
"Uh, I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what you're talking about. We don't have an... ...inflatable snowman."
"You do'n... ...why, that son of a bitch! Outta my way!"
"Hah hah haaargh!! So long, sucker!!!"
"Get back here with my bike, you big white b*stard!!!!"

So, when I was inside buying ice cream, I kept one eye on that snowman.

I recommend this ice cream as their best:Gorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgeous!!!!!! Glorious! Fabulous, darling!

After I taste tested a few ice creams, I put the rest in my back pack and started off, up to the glorious frozen heights to meet my destiny with the cabbages.

I climbed one of the steepest hills I've found yet in Japan. No problem for the attacker. It takes all hills and spits in their faces (but it prefers it when the slopes in question are downhill).
At the top of this trecherous slope, I found myself in my own plateauish 'lost World'. Just like that Arthur Conan Doyle classic, I found myself among creatures that have no place in the world of man.

Cabbages.
Miles and miles of cabbages.
Oh, the humanity!Luckily, these turned out to be only babies. If they were fully grown, there's no telling what might have happened. I'm just lucky I made it out of there to finish this blog entry. I thank the gods for that one blessing.

It's enough to drive a grown man insane.
Enough to make a man get off his bicycle and perform a sexy pose, in the middle of a field of dying cabbages.Indeed, enough to make a man insane. However, not insane enough to hold that pose, whilst the occasional car came driving past. No, then that man would regain enough sanity to scamper back onto the road and pretend to be fixing his bike, whilst the car would drive past, before resuming once more his insanity in the cabbage patch.

Eventually, the cabbages got to me - as I knew, unltimately, they would.
I am not made of steel. I am but a man, after all.
Just a normal, hard working, bicycle helmet wearing, weird, weird man.

I couldn't take it any more. I broke down in that enourmous field of cabbages. Something had killed all the cabbages. Something very, very cold. Everywhere I looked, all were dead.

Why?

WHY?

I then quickly scampered back to my bicycle, as another car drove by.

I shall return and investigate this matter, as I feel the UN vegetable rights watch may have more pressing matters.

So I took my by-now, freezing backpack and cycled the 6km back home.

What a day!

Here's the first half of my journey, as it looked from space (you can see the outline of my red jacket as I rode my bicycle. You can make out Chiba, Tokyo, Yokohama and the Izu peninsular.):Here's the second half:10 hours. Almost 84km.

Wow! That was quite a ride!



__________________________________




_______________________________________